My home casino has no waitresses

411: My favorite new casino, Casa del Safdar

Watching: Fox’s, “The Swan”

Apparently the world has cracks.

For all the talk of securing financial borders to avoid funding terrorists and all that clap trap, it hasn’t been hard for me to fund my online casino accounts so I can play poker from the comfort of my home.

Between Canadian Indian reservations and Caribbean islands with more need of private cash than US aid, it seems those vices that are popular will always find a way.

As I sit and fold hand after hand without betting (this is the norm in well-played poker), I find myself drawn to Fox’s tv show, The Swan. I know you know what I’m talking about, and secretly, I know you’re fascinated and horrified all at once.

As I watched the finals last night, I particularly enjoyed the Q&A round, when each of the contestants talked about why they wanted to be the “swan”. Apparently they had been coached with the Swan version of the Miss America answer, “I want to work for world peace.”

In Swan-world, they all say they want to be the Swan because, “I want to help everyone see the potential within themselves. I want to show everyone that they have value.”

I saw a little of this when they showed a Public Service Announcement during a commercial break that argued against everything the show promoted. “You’re fine, just the way you are! Don’t beat yourself up because you don’t measure up to the girls on tv!”

One can also imagine that whichever girl is chosen as the Swan will go on a media tour, visiting high schools to try and talk to young girls about their self-esteem. I can only imagine how that would go….

Swan: Hey girls. I’m here to say you’re beautiful and valuable. Don’t feel bad about how you look. Deep inside each of you is a beautiful woman just crying to get out.

Young girl: Excuse me, ma’am? I’m not happy with my weight. When I look at any magazine the girls my age are always fifty pounds heavier than me.

Swan: Oh don’t worry about that honey. Inside you there’s a 90 lb skinny girl just waiting to get out. All you need is a $60 session with a personal trainer five times a week. If that doesn’t work then you can just get liposuction. You know, when I was fifty pounds overweight I was an ugly, ugly woman.

Oh wait, that didn’t come out right…

Next question…

Another young girl: My breasts are very small. I’m sure I could get this guy I like to notice me if I had bigger breasts. All the girls on the Swan had breast enhancements. How long do I have to wait before getting implants? My mom says never, and my dad says “whenever my mom agrees”.

Swan: Oh honey, you should wait until you’re 18 or 21. I never had thought about the surgery until I was about 40 when I got on the show. However once I did it I was as happy as could be. When I had those small breasts I just couldn’t feel sexy, and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to keep my husband happy. I think big breasts are so important for keeping a man…

Oh wait, no, I didn’t mean that..




Does anyone want to put on makeup with me?