How did the Unabomber get to Iraq?


411: At home, writing the annual performance reviews

Listening to: Luna’s “Jericho” album. (Yes, I’m up to the ‘L’s in ripping my entire CD collection. We’re at 30 gigabytes, and my iPod is full now.)

As I sit here and watch the video wallpaper of Saddam, I have to wonder if he hadn’t taken a cue from the Unabomber? Perhaps he thought he could hide out in Iraq for 17 years if he emulated the man who eluded the FBI for so long.

Consider the evidence: look at this photo of Ted Kaczynski, and then look at this photo of the recently captured Saddam Hussein. (“Yeah, that’s why Ted got caught, he didn’t grow his beard long enough. I’ll show that Ted how we do it in Tikrit…”)

Then, consider the housing. Ted was found in living in a cabin in the woods, barely big enough to turn around in. Saddam was living this tiny house, and hiding in this hole in the ground with $750,000 of cash on him.

You’d like to think that he would have sprung for some sort of better furnishing. Perhaps an Iraqi flag on the wall, or a nice tie dyed sheet. It would have added a homey touch to his dirt hole. Sadly, no.

When I go on the lam, I’m going to blow that $750,000 pretty fast. I’ll get a Winnebago and just go camping for years. With a couple of dogs and Sarah, I’ll be impossible to find. Following the warm weather, I’d spend more time in Saskatchewan than Ontario in the summer, and more time in rural Mexico in the winter. Nobody will recognize me because I’ll be entirely out of context. I’ll cross the borders through Indian reservations in the north which today are used for smuggling stuff far more interesting than my Winnebago.

In the south side, I’ll cross at the Tijuana border. That is, unless I don’t just spend the winters in Rachel NV, next to Area 51. Man, there’s nothing down there except cattle.

I’d be in disguise of course, reading magazine in Barnes and Noble’s around the world, sipping lattes and ogling choppers in American Iron. It sounds good except for the “no fixed address” part.