Now this won’t hurt a bit…

I hate to say it, but my dentist is a pretty good guy. I don’t mind going to see him.

Well, let me rephrase that. I don’t mind having my dentist take an ice pick to my teeth every six months because I believe it’s less painful than periodontal surgery, or the grief that would come with having all my teeth fall out before I’m 50 years old.

My dentist is a decent guy too. He likes blackjack, golf, and his bachelerdom. How could you not like a guy like that?

The most perplexing thing at the dentist is this new ultrasound cleaner. Explain to me how an industry that has a reputation for inflicting pain thinks it would be innovative to have a device that sends ultrasonic waves into your jaw (and therefore your skull)? Every time my dentist waves that device at me I cringe, because it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Years from now, I’m certain we’ll discover that dentists coincidentally make for great torturers. Mine won’t be there, though, he’ll be at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas ogling girls and doubling down.