Scenes from a wedding

After being up for twenty four hours (six of them playing blackjack and craps), I stumble into a Days Inn in St. Louis for the third of five weddings I’m supposed to attend this month, not counting the one in China. An hour from now I need to be downtown to attend yet another Catholic wedding of a dear friend.

I’ve spent long stretches of time underground in caves with the groom, sometimes with inadequate light, not enough food or water, and occasionally without a map and lost. I have no doubt today will be a walk in the park for him.

I collapse into bed to watch some tv. If I don’t turn on the tv, I’ll probably fall asleep and miss the wedding. I reach for the remote, which appears attached to the bedside table with one of those security cables.

The first sign something is wrong is the dangling cord that’s supposed to be securing the remote. Though I don’t know why anyone would steal the thing. It’s so old I expect it to make that antiquated click when I change the channel.

The second sign that my hotel isn’t all it’s cracked up to be is the label on the remote itself. It says, “It is a sin to steal. It is a crime to steal. It is immoral to steal. It is unethical to steal.”

I begin to wonder if they’ve covered all the bases, or if there’s an amoral unethical atheist sociopath out there who won’t think this applies to him, and take the remote home with him.

About this time I notice the heavily photocopied note stuck in the mirror. “It is against the law to take anything from the room. If at anytime any linen or any other item is missing from the room, police will be notified immediately and all the guest information will be provided to the police and will be prosecuted.”

Clearly, I need to stop using price as my only consideration on Orbitz.