The Skillful Mom

If the truth is an issue for moms....then knowing the real score on Pork Barrel in the Presidential debate is our issue too

John McCain says Obama spent $1MM per day on Illinois while in office.  He's been in office about 300 days, that's $300MM!  Sounds pretty horrible.  But it doesn't mean much to me: when my mommy friends talk about the $1000 a month they spend at the grocery store, before I judge them, I count their children.  $1000 for five kids is a pretty thrifty mommy. 

How many kids does John McCain have?  How about Obama?  How about their Vice-Presidential candidates?

                         

Population by   State
Year	2008
Alaska	683,478
Arizona	6,338,755
Illinois	12,852,548
Delaware	864,764

So Obama's got twice as many as Arizona, and 20 times as many as Alaska.  Biden and Palin have very close population figures, and so few mouths to feed in comparison. $300MM/12.8MM people =$23 per person.   (Note there's no million sign after that - $23 for each resident.  $23.)  Must be a gigantic number in comparsion to what McCain and his fellow Arizona representative spend.

So how much, per "kid," did each of them spend in 2008?

                       

Year	2008
Alaska	$555.54
Arizona	$14.17
Illinois	$25.47
Delaware	$64.30
National   Average	$33.77

Wow, John McCain really does feed his family for a low amount (well, him and his fellow Senator and his Representatives).  How about that spend thrift Obama?  $26 per head.  Horrible.  Especially when you compare him to Biden who can't get away with spending more than DOUBLE that amount.  Horrible.  But what is up with Alaska?  You tell me that Alaska can't survive on less than 20x the amount Illinois does?  Must be those long winters, or maybe it's an anomaly.  (That means an irregular occurrence). 

Let's look at the past few years:

                                                                                                                       

Pork Barrel Spending Per Capita
Year	2008	ratio to national average	2006	ratio to national average	2005	ratio to national average	2004	ratio to national average
Alaska	$555.54	1645%	489.87	1604%	$984.85	2982%	$808.13	2593%
Arizona	$14.17	42%	38.4	126%	$23.73	72%	$18.75	60%
Illinois	$25.47	75%	27.47	90%	$23.32	71%	$18.21	58%
Delaware	$64.30	190%	34.46	113%	$48.27	146%	$30.98	99%
National Average	$33.77		30.55		$33.03		$31.17

 

Crazy isn't it?  Looks like Alaska just can't feed itself for less than $500 a person.  But Alaskans get a $2000 dividend from oil every year and this year Palin's giving them an additional $1200 rebate. So why can't they pay for those projects themselves?  Why do they need an additional $500 per person to get them completed?

Data from Government Citizens Against Waste.  I've asked them for the 2007 numbers, but haven't received a reply from them.  I don't know why they don't have them up.  (That's the unvarnished truth.  We need more of that.)  http://www.cagw.org  (Oh, and I'm not affiliated with them or anyone else.  And I've voted Republican as much as I've voted Democrat in my life - so don't call me "one of them" either way.)

Dirty Little Secret: Best Pregnancy Books and Worst Pregnancy Books

While pregnant, I actually expected the other mothers  around me to be good references for the experience. I always prefer to learn from conversation, and yet on this topic it's been all but radio silence. Conversations across the spectrum of acquaintances included hemorrhoids, swollen feet, varicose veins and stretch marks - as if some how pregnancy became an excuse for the things that occur as we age anyway. And it was radio silence on the actual pregnancy: episiotomies, epidurals, doulas, birth centers, fetal heart monitors, to name a few of the important and specific pregnancy experiences. I have to say that I'm very angry about this. I consider my girlfriends and family members to be educated, intelligent and independent women, yet they couldn't be honest or perhaps remain ignorant of the important stuff? Likewise I asked them for their favorite reading material - and received four copies of "What To Expect When You're Expecting" - which I've heard more informed people describe as "What to Fear When You're Expecting" and "How to Lie Still and be Compliant While Expecting." I can't actually understand why you would read this book - it's lousy.

Books to NOT read:
What to Expect When You're Expecting -
why? If you prefer to lie still during sex, this is probably the book for you. It prefaces everything with what you "can't" or "shouldn't" do and always, always, always defer to your doctor, that angel, saint, and master of your body. If you'd prefer to be worked up into hysteria because you haven't yet gained enough weight, or gained too much, or might possibly give birth to the first round of X-Men, this is the perfect book for you. But I plan to start a bonfire with it at my baby shower.

Books to read:
Misconceptions - Naomi Wolf
The most important reason to read this book is the description of her experiences as a patient at a reputable hospital in Washington, DC during her pregnancy and delivery. She describes multiple attempts to get statistics on important issues, such as those NOT discussed by my postnatal lady friends, and getting repeated blow offs with lines like "The hospital isn't required to record that information." I'd read this book before I even got pregnant if I could, or if I just knew someone who might someday be pregnant.

The Birth Partner, by Penny Simkin
Everything you ever really wanted to know about childbirth and how to deal with it. None of this "lie still and hope" crap. It requires active participation of both the pregnant woman and whomever will assist her to have a baby come out healthy, and this book describes it all. Read this one if nothing else.

Your Pregnancy Week by Week by Glade B. Curtis and Judith Schuler
This is a mainstream pregnancy book, and it goes into testing, miscarriages and all of the potential scary things you need to know. But it also gives you a clear idea of the baby's development on a weekly basis and gives guidelines for the mother's health and well being during the process. It's not the only book you need, but I read it every week to get an idea of how the baby has progressed and what the basic changes are to my body.

The Complete Book of Pregnancy by Sheila Kitzinger

This is the book that What to Expect should be.  It goes through the various stages of pregnancy, all of the issues large and small and gives you information to take charge of them yourself.  Instead of waiting around on a doctor to prescribe pain killers for your back pain, it goes through simple exercises to reduce them.  This is the ultimate pregnancy reference book.

 

Dirty Little Secrets: Pregnancy Incontinence

Pregnancy incontinence happens to everybody, and nobody talks about it.

I'm pregnant with kid number two and have developed a nasty cold, I cough and sneeze.  And inevitably some well-meaning nosybody will say, "You have to let it out when you cough or sneeze."  Yeah, that's great advice, but when I let it out, it comes out of almost every orifice.  I can't let it out without sitting down on the toilet first.  Ahh the joys of pregnancy incontinence. 

My first experience with pregnancy incontinence was with kid number one.  I caught a horrible stomach bug with violent retching.  Imagine my surprise when I peed in my pants while vomiting.  Yeah, it was gross.  It was humiliating.  And I did it in a public bathroom.  Really humiliating.  I wasn't even pregnant enough to get sympathy looks from other pregnant women. 

You can reduce the likelihood of pregnancy incontinence.  There are things one should do during pregnancy to build up your pelvic floor, as I've posted here.  And the benefits of doing them are that they stop the so-called "sciatica" problem, and keep your muscles in shape for labor as well as lower your likelihood of pregnancy incontinence.    But I'll tell you that if your body needs to use that diaphragm to shove something out of your airways, you'll probably end up shoving it out your urethra as well. 

As I've told these stories to mommy friends of mine, they've ALL sympathized.  No one's going to bring it up, bu you haven't seen a pregnant woman walk down the street who hasn't had some pregnancy incontinence.

My advice: 
Relax, it will get better as you get stronger and healthier.
Use sanitary napkins.
Practice your pelvic floor exercises.
Count the pregnant women on the street and calculate the women all hiding the same pregnancy incontinence secret.

Dirty Little Secrets: Your toddler will get cavities

Your toddler may get cavities. 

Toddlers get cavities.  Really.  When my son developed a white spot on his front tooth, I made sure to brush it extra well and called a dentist.  At the dentist's office, which was hard, no 3 yr old wants to be held down for x-rays or mouth inspection, the dentist gave me a blistering look "Your toddler has a serious cavity between his front teeth."  I felt like the worst mom ever and said as much.  Her dismissive response was "Well, among some populations you see a lot more toddler cavities." 

Some populations?  Some populations have worse toddler cavities? What and who are those people?  I began to surf the web, hitting up every mother message board and talking to every mother I know.  Whatever my dentist's snotty out look, I learned that "some populations" means all toddlers can get cavities.

Some dentists blame nursing, or bottle feeding before bedtime.  But the truth is very, very simple.
Some toddlers are prone to cavities.
Some toddlers are not. 
Be vigilant about brushing and flossing and start early when their teeth first come in.

The best you can do for your child is to brush and floss your child's teeth after they finish eating for the day before bed, yes, including after that last bottle of milk.  And if you can brush and floss after every meal all the better. 
You can also limit straight sugar, i.e. lollipops and other candies.

BUT, even if you do that your toddler may still have cavities.  Because some toddlers are prone to get them anyways.  Even toddlers with perfect dental hygiene get cavities.

 

Relax and hope you have good dental insurance.

How to stop a whining toddler

My 3 year old entered a serious toddler whining phrase about three months ago that shows no sign of abating.  All mothers with kids this age know what I mean when I say my teeth grate at the sound of toddler whining as he asks for something entirely reasonable in an unreasonable age.  Sometimes my toddler whines for something entirely unreasonable in this same unreasonable way.

It's commonly asserted that toddler whining is about your child needing your attention, and often toddler whining occurs while I'm sorting the laundry, cooking dinner, or doing some other chore that takes a lot of attention. But it also occurs when I'm right there and present so it's not a be-all-end all reason.  (And it’s a nice way to make hard working parents feel guilty about the time they spend with their kids: well gee your toddler is whining still? You must be a horrible parent! Not!) And furthermore it doesn't say what you should do about it.  No one wants a whining toddler to become a whining child, and we all know adults who sound just like whining toddlers. 

Here are some steps to stop the whining toddler demons and a mnemonic to help you remember:

1)  Porpoise: take a deep breathe before you plunge in.  One of my favorite parent sources, Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, by Laura Davis & Janis Keyser, has a great description of toddler whining as "the hook."  A wizened parent who knows to remain calm with a screaming infant can become unhinged and yell unreasonably at a whining toddler with phrases like, "You're going to have to learn that you can't always have what you want!"  Or, "Quit whining or I'll give you a time out!"

Toddler whining is developmentally appropriate.  It's a way for them to communicate desire without tears or yelling.  It's a temperate middle ground for them between all consuming urgency and complete disinterest. There isn't a lot of subtlety in the toddler emotional range.  So get used it.  Take that deep breath.  Book mark this page and come back and browse it when your toddler is whining. 

2)  Tin ear: become tone deaf to the pitch of toddler whining. Listen to the content behind the toddler whine.  Sometimes the whine is, "I waaaannt some miiillk!"   The irritation in the voice is not caused by our lack of attentiveness but solely by the rumbly toddler tumbly. "I want a glass of milk, please" is entirely reasonable and doable: focus on the content, not the tone.

3) Parrot.  Your toddler whines, "I waannnt some miiilllk."  Yes, sweetie, you want some milk, but we're trapped here in the car in a 45 minute traffic jam without any more, so you won't be able to have any.  That's not going to do you any good.  Say instead, "Yes, sweetie wants some milk.  Mommy knows, sweetie wants some milk."  Keep saying it until your whining toddler calms down.  Once your child feels acknowledged in his or her desire, even if it's completely unreasonable, they will often calm down enough to accept an alternative and stop the toddler whine.

Porpoise.  Tin Ear.  Parrot.