Shabbir's Diary

What's going through this guy's head?

411: The Red Line

Listening to: "Musicology", Prince

In the 1950's, this guy would be thinking: "WTO, huh? Sounds like the work of Communists..."

In the 1960's: One word, son: "plastics"

In the 1970's: I wouldn't be on this damn train if Carter had enough balls to just take the oil from those stupid Arabs. Oh hey, look, here's another factory I could purchase, close and sell off for the value of the assets..

In the 1980's: That Ronald Reagan, he's just the best President ever. If only his wife hadn't driven up the price of coke so high. It's really eating into my junk bond bankroll...

In the 1990's: Let's see..NASDAQ listings...R...S...T. Ah yes, yesterday's prices for Toejam.com....C'mon baby.....Oh cool! My net worth exceeds the GNP of New Zealand. I think I'll buy my own helicopter so I don't have to ride with the rest of these rabble. I mean, they're probably only millionaires.

In the early 0's (the oh's): Hm, this train is nicer than the car I missed the payments on. I hope they're having potluck or something at work today, so I can avoid paying for lunch...

My gambling rant

Listening to: The biggest, saddest dog sigh you've ever heard

My gambling hobby has moments of supreme smugness followed by waves of crashing doubt. It seems that most often, when I have a big swing, possibly due to really good cards followed by really bad cards, I inevitably run into these jokers that can't do math and think they know the secret.

Usually the only secret is that they can't do basic probability. I don't find it necessary, frankly, to be the ones to tell them.

Guys like my wife's bus driver who are convinced that when you're at a craps table, and the dealer hands the shooter five dice to pick from, all but two of them are weighted. And if you just watch the person who picks up the dice, you know if he shakes the dice in his hand before throwing them, that he knows the secret. Why this guy doesn't involve the freemasons here I'll never know.

In contrast, I track my poker playing religiously, using software that records every hand I've played online, exactly how much I bet and when, and what other players have in their hands (if they have to show). Granted I'm not making money at it, but at least I approach it from a scientific manner.

However all that seems moot when the cards swing unpredictably, or I suspect there's a hole in my play that's costing me money. Then I find myself wondering if these people are correct.

And that's when it's time to stop and return to reading about poker, instead of playing it.

Top 10 worst album covers of all time

http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html

Conversations with gamblers, chapter 1

411: My kitchen, after an excellent meal of scallops, pasta and a butter sauce. (Sarah says it's more of a bechemel sauce than a buerre blanc)

Listening to: Someone else washing my dishes as the price for me feeding them

He: I love Sic-Bo. I can always double my money playing it.

Me: Really? How does it work? (My incredularity does not show. Lots of recent poker playing has rendered my expression more immobile than Demi Moore after her weekly Botox injection.)

He: You've got three dice, and you bet whether or not the sum when you throw them will be in the lower half of the range (4-10) or the upper half (11-17). They pay you even money, so if you bet $1, you win $1 (plus your original dollar, of course)

Me: Really? So I don't see how the house makes money at this if it's an even bet. They'd lose money over time from having to pay the dealers, and not being able to put slot machines in that spot. Every slot granny is worth a couple of hundred dollars per shift.

Him: Well if all three dice come up with the same number, you lose, no matter if you bet hi or low.

Me: You realize over time that if you keep playing this game you'll lose all your money, right? The house has more than a 5% edge on you.

Him: No, I'm very successful. I always double my money. The only time I don't is when my friends make me leave the casino before I've had a chance to recover my money.

Me: You absolutely must come play poker with me sometime....

And I'm not even invited to have pancakes...

Listening to: The incessant prattle of the "wild raiser" to my left. I wish I could move, but there's at least an hour wait for another seat at a different table here.

411: The Borgata Poker Room, $2/$4 table, Atlantic City, NJ

When I play against family members at the same table, like when I played against three siblings as I did in Florida recently, I'm generally uncomfortable with my prospects. Stated overtly or not, they're having the following conversation in their head:

Husband: I wonder how the babysitter's holding up? Oh hey, look, I got J5s. Man I love that Jackson Five song, what was that called... "CALL"

Wife: Oh! Pocket Aces! My baby's so cute when when he gets J5, he always makes those funny noises. God if I don't raise these, I'll never hear the end of it. "RAISE IT UP"

Me: Hm, pair of queens. Best hand I've had in an hour. Better call. "CALL"

Husband: What the hell, it's my money two out of three times anyway.."CALL"

The flop comes AQ5 rainbow...

Husband: You gotta be raising or folding, at least that's what I keep telling my wife, who's probably got AKo.. so..."BET"

Wife: He's so cocky, thinking he can pushme out of this pot, I'll show him, "RAISE".

Me: Hm, this could be trouble..."CALL"

Husband: Oh no, I'll not get pushed out of this, I taught her how to play poker! "RAISE"

Eventually the odds get big enough to justify just about anything, and...well, you get the idea. I funded their babysitter that night.

This wasn't as bad as that time in Florida when three siblings found themselves in a pot with me and started raising each other while discussing where they were going to go for pancakes. In a four-way pot, I was playing a slightly weaker hand than I should have been, but I was encouraged by the fact that the two younger siblings kept having to ask about how to bet, etc.

Clearly, though, they were having a grand time, raising and re-raising each other. My role in all of this was to pay for the pancakes, and I did, but I wasn't invited along to join them for breakfast.

In the example above at the Borgata, the husband and wife team were both competent players. A friend of theirs, playing in between them while wearing Elvis shades, was also getting a decent run of luck. Between the couple, they relieved the wild raiser to my left (bastard!) of $200 in about thirty minutes. He was none too happy and started screeching when the husband began racking the wife's chips for her. "You can't take money off the table until you stand up and leave!"

Get over it buddy, you got played. Learn a lesson for next time.